My name is Nancy Shui Yuan Chen Kerr Perez Baldwin. That’s a mouthful. What a name, what a life, and what a journey. I don’t know about you, but I like to know people by their full names. It gives me a sense of emotional connection with the person I am about to meet. A name is not just a label, but the start of a life journey. I know we don’t always like the birth names we were given. We had no control over the love and joy of our parents when they selected the names for us. Like it or not, that’s where it all began. That was the beginning of our identity. Moreover, we may add or subtract parts of our names along the way, based on our life experiences: our names become the bases of our individual, unique stories.

I was born without a name. If there was one, I don’t know it, since I have no documentation of my birth. So, from the very first start, it might appear I had an identity issue, but life did not stop there for me. The absence of an announcement on my being gave me tremendous motivation to be passionate about my identity. What do I mean by that? Through the search for my birth name and thus my family origin, I traveled a painful yet rewarding journey by creating opportunities for self-discovery. I spent most of my adult life exploring the possibility of different perspectives (yes, the possibility of different perspectives) to make sense of the actions of my birth parents, my adopted mother, the American immigration, my very young first marriage, and the eventual state of self-liberation unearthed through an understanding of and appreciation for the richness of my culture, my family, my friends, and my communities. More importantly, I discovered who I was and how to own my identity. Some of you have probably traveled similar paths, with various levels of depth. If so, you might want to revisit the process by looking at it from a different perspective. If you have not yet started in the search for your identity, I would encourage you to launch a “possibility of different perspectives” journey to learn about who you are.

Who we are – or better yet, who have become – is generally based on faulty identities. Our identities are often shaped by our need for belonging: how we fit within family cultural values, associations among our friends, expectations of society, or the conformity of our professional lives. There are a fortunate few who always knew who they were and what they wanted from the early stages of their lives, not without adjustment along the way. For most of us, however, our identities were emotional responses to our environments. In our early childhoods, we followed the guidance of our parents on how to behave and thus how to view the world. Our identities became an extension of our parents within the family boundaries. As we ventured out into the world beyond our families, our identities started to form based on the friends we “chose” in the schoolyard and for playdates. We also bonded with students who had “similar interests,” whether through sports or academic clubs and societies. Our school guardians began to put us in certain boxes – are you Ivy League or State College material? Are you going to be successful on Wall Street or in a laboratory? Better yet, our statuses were measured by whether we declared we wanted to be future doctors or lawyers. At an early stage in our life journeys, we were pressured to become who we weren’t and might not want to be. This was often strengthened by our parents’ desire for us to become who they wanted to and could never be, and their statuses among their friends and communities.

Through college, we were somehow able to integrate ourselves into an environment where we could explore not just what was going on in the world, but who we thought we were. Remember, this was the first time we were able to really get away from the families, childhood friends, and communities we were familiar with. We created space between ourselves and those we “left behind” in hopes of self-discovery. Most often, we were able to create a path for ourselves – yet even those, I would challenge, were paths formulated by the circles of new friends we met and the professors who mentored us. I wonder how many of you would say your current job is based on what you majored in in college, and that you are actually applying the academic skills you learned to your work. The fact is, our identities at this current stage in our lives are shaped by the desire and necessity to work. We need a job – that’s the expectation of our parents, our college alum, and our society. What we normally choose is based on the availability of job opportunities, not what we really like or want to do. The statement I am making here of course does not apply to all. There are children growing up from day one knowing that they want to be doctors, lawyers, financiers, scientists, engineers, musicians, dancers, artists, etc. My intention here is to address the norm of the general population.

For the current generation of young adults, there is ambivalence about ideals and expectations. Most often, the unaffordability of living drives them back to their parents and the communities they have left behind. Under these circumstances, especially in today’s environment, young adults lose their self-confidence (or, maybe, their confidence was not quite formed in the first place) and become disillusioned. Thus, in some sense, these “newly shaped” identities become confused and lost. During this period of uncertainty, there are also opportunities being created to explore the possibility of different perspectives. The keys to this stage of the search are driven by levels of emotional maturity and the availability of support networks. This generation appears to create more space for self-exploration. They want to work in fields they are interested in and not necessarily in line with their academic leanings and certifications. They are less inclined to compromise the meaning of life for financial rewards. They are idealists. Their search for identity becomes a more challenging journey.

For most of us in the previous generations, we traveled through the path of “external expectations,” of family needs and the demands of everyday living. We seemed to get married and have children earlier. Our identities today are formed based on the friends we make through our children, and less often through our work relationships. Nevertheless, we have less time to think about ourselves and who we really are. Can this be why we have the “midlife crisis?” During this stage in our lifecycle, we start to question why we are doing what we are doing, and what the meaning of life is. I call this a delayed identity quest. This is where I believe we go through the same process as the current generation. The difference is, we are more financially secure, perhaps, and more established in our social standing – yet, not necessarily more emotionally mature.

When I launched my search for life meaning a few years back, I found that focusing on one’s self was not an easy task, especially when I was so conditioned by external expectations. I underwent a long journey of self-discovery through a grieving process. I felt sad about the loss of my childhood and my maternal family; I was angry over the abandonment by my parents and my adopted mother; I felt loneliness and a sense of unworthiness. Then, suddenly, there was a sliver of hope. I was fortunate to have a good support system and great therapists throughout different parts of my life. I found the key to this life transformation was my passion to “re-discover” and “re-shape” my identity based on my understanding of self being.

It is not easy to understand one’s self. Step one is to conquer the fear of knowing. More often than not, we are afraid to look from within: what if we don’t like what we see? What happens if we discover we aren’t who think we are or want to be? This is where our vulnerability comes in – but being vulnerable is the most important step toward recovery. This is where we acknowledge that we are not perfect. We are human beings who have strengths and weaknesses. We begin to accept ourselves in our rawest forms. Believe or not, we may even like ourselves.

Based on my understanding of who I was and how my life experiences have shaped my identity, I was able to accept the unpleasant past, and allowed myself to celebrate the good memories. From there, I was able to set boundaries for myself, what was and wasn’t acceptable in regards to how I related to people and life situations. I was growing to become passionate about who I was and who I have become today. I am the center of my own universe. With a liberated mind, I am now more open to the Possibility of Different Perspectives. I am a much better listener today, and more grateful in accepting meaningful criticism. As a result, I am able to be more forgiving of my “mistakes.” I no longer let the effects of mistakes generate negative energy that erodes my self-confidence and prevents progress from being made. Forgiveness creates opportunities for us to learn and expand our wisdom.

To discover who you are, you must be passionate about your identity. This is fundamental to the journey to explore what one’s purpose in life is, and thus define the happiness of one’s being. The balance of heart and mind requires a sense of passion about who you are. Your identity is who you define yourself to be. Only you can own what is yours in the first place.